An embarrassment to all the talent involved, "The Musketeer," directed by
Peter Hyams (1999's "
End of Days"), is the latest adaptation of the novel by
Alexander Dumas. Heavily advertised as a martial arts "reimagining" of the
classic tale, choreographed by "Hong Kong legend" Xin-Xin Xiong (1998's Jean
Claude Van Damme catastrophe "Knock Off"), the film has all of two martial
arts-inspired sequences, both of which were shown almost in their entirety in
the theatrical trailer. Promoted as something it most definitely is not
simply to hide the truth from getting out, "The Musketeer" is a sluggish,
soulless, senseless insult to, not only the late Dumas, but every viewer who
goes into this picture thinking it's going to be an exciting adventure,
rather than the painfully trite experience it truly is.
Screenwriter Gene Quintano (1995's "Operation Dumbo Drop") has taken several
liberties from the novel which it's based upon, starting with the depiction
of the other musketeers as drunken slugs with no defining characteristics,
and occasional dialogue that unintentionally has 20th-century flavoring (the
movie is set in the 17th-century). The usually elegant Catherine Deneuve
(2000's "Dancer in the Dark"), receiving peculiar top billing with barely 10
minutes of screen time, plays the Queen of France. Her biggest moment arrives
in a scene where she trudges through the sewers, of all places. "I hear
there's crocodiles down here," she astutely remarks.
Perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself. The twisted story revolves around
D'Artagnan (Justin Chambers), a young man who, as a child, saw his parents
brutally murdered at the hands of Febre (Tim Roth). Brought up by a kindly
protector named Planchet (Jean-Pierre Castaldi), D'Artagnan decides to seek
revenge on his parent's untimely deaths by finding, and killing, the
psychopathic Febre.
"The Musketeer" is a horrible, horrible motion picture from its first minute
to its last. What is particularly amazing is how such an acclaimed literary
novel could go so disastrously wrong at the hands of director Hyams, who is
way out of his league here. Bookended by two mildly successful, albeit brief,
fight scenes, the middle 95 minutes is stupefyingly boring. The film is not
complete without dreary, cookie-cutter dialogue; cinematography that manages
to change from picturesque to disgustingly grimy even in the same beat;
characters without any depth or heart; and performances worth roughly as much
as a "two-for-one" sale at Kmart. The less said about former-model Justin
Chambers (2001's "
The Wedding Planner"), as the title character, the better.
"The Musketeer," if anything, does feature several actors whom I have admired
in the past, particularly Tim Roth (1994's "Rob Roy"), Mena Suvari (1999's
"
American Beauty"), and Stephen Rea (1992's "The Crying Game"). I'll give
them a break by simply listing their names, rather than describing how much
talent they have floundered by choosing to appear in this DOA dud. Suffice to
say, "The Musketeer" has nary a bright spot in sight, with director Hyams and
writer Quintano caught red-handed holding the murder weapons. Does the
phrase, "worst movie of 2001," mean anything to you?
©2001 by Dustin Putman